Stand Strong.
February 21, 2012, 5:11 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

Don’t let any place that you are standing frighten you. All it is, is a byproduct of some Energy alignment, which only gives you stronger clarity about what you want — and, most importantly, greater sensitivity about whether you’re in a receiving mode or locked off of it.

— Abraham

 What does this mean? 
It reminds me of the Carl Jung quote that explains how the attributes that drive us crazy in others are simply mirrors of our own life.  I think about the situations, the arguments, and the awkward situations I’ve experienced in my life and choose to take responsibility for each one.  If we believe that we create our experience to further improve our life in some way or another, wouldn’t it make sense that we would attract the experiences to challenge us to grow into a better, whole person? 
I think about the the relationships I’ve had and the ones I’ve been forced into that felt hard to handle and frustrating and I have decided there was a reason I needed to have that experience.  Either to help me see another point of view or to challenge my personal growth.
Such a slight change in perception of the world can bring more beautiful positive experiences into our lives.  How often have you slightly changed your perception and the whole experience has changed? Even if it’s as small as smiling at people in the grocery store instead of just barreling through to get it over with? 
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.” ~Carl JungImage

2011 Years-End
February 8, 2012, 7:02 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I realize I’m slightly behind but in my defense, I’ve had it wrote for sometime, I just haven’t published it. 🙂 

I am being perfectly honest when I say “Thank goodness 2012 is here! If you would have asked me 6 years ago, I would have feared this year.  After 2007 and 2011, I feel a lot more confident about handling anything life decides to throw my way.  

During the educational year of 2011, I have begun new projects, left old places, and experienced what I would have believed “only happened to other people.”

I left my dream job.  I had a wonderful stable job with a good pay rate and interesting substance.  I left on my own accord and because I felt what was happening was wrong and indecent.  I was paid to spend someone else’s money in a field that I loved.  I worked in a massage school bookstore.  I chose what to sell and had employees that I managed.  I left because the owner was dishonest and shady.  He made me sick to think about how he was upholding an image of peace, healing, and enlightenment; when as you spent time with him you realized he was a scared, paranoid, selfish, chauvinistic, asshole.  I left when he decided to fire almost everyone and promote someone who knew how to kiss ass. The moment they promoted her without offering to position to anyone else, I knew the position was rigged.  The story came out later that was the plan the whole time.  It amazes me and blows my mind the lengths people will go to to get ahead.  I watched as she pretended to love and care for her co-workers when the whole time she was plotting her cut-throat moves.  One of the most important lessons I have learned this year… do NOT make your job, your life because I was surprised how much I didn’t think about that place after I left it. 

I went back to massage therapy full-time.  I was reminded of why I LOVE this work! I feel incredibly blessed that another human would allow me into such a sacred space to encourage their unwinding and relaxing.  I have learned so much about the body, about myself, and about business.  I have been able to look back and say, “If only I knew back then what I know now (in regards to operating my practice).”  I have learned I should have just went into my own practice years ago instead of fearing the unknown and relying on someone else. Massage therapy is a hard business but equally rewarding. 

I went to school for Ashiatsu Oriental Bar Therapy.  I will be one of four (I think) in my city to do this type of work.  I find it to be challenging and SO FUN!! Ashi is a really great, relaxing massage.  Now, to grow my clientele who love Ashi as much as I do… 

I moved in with my boyfriend for the first time.  I think in my unconscious mind, I have always known this is how it would have happened.  The moment I met Micheal, I knew we would share many experiences involving much joy and much sadness (and boy, have we already!).   From very early on we craved each others company and chose to spend every moment together.  I’m sure many people thought we were crazy to move in so quickly with each other. We believed in US even when most everyone who cared about us questioned our ideas. As it has panned out, those people who truly questioned us have turned out to be as flimsy in their personalities as their lack of seeing true love staring them in the face. Sure, we have had our kinks to work out and fights to get there.  Some big and some small, like eating the leftovers in the fridge or who should pay which bill. But I think we have come to the conclusion that if you’re not jumping off that mountain together, holding hands, are you really living life to the fullest? Teehee I’m sure some could still argue that we could have waited to move in together but honestly, if I had to do it all over again, I believe I would still have made the same choices.  

I became a step-mom.  OK, you’re right, not legally.  But geez, if we can recognize that a same-sex couple function just like married people without the papers, isn’t this really the same thing, too? I do a damn good job filling the role of a step-mother, if I do say so myself.  MIcheal reminds me on a daily basis that I do not have to do all that I do.  I choose my level of involvement (well, almost) and I love that little girl.  This relationship and role has been a long, uphill battle but for most of the time, it is pretty enjoyable.  I have always wanted to adopt and this has given me a glimpse into what it is like to care for another child besides your own.  I understand that it is not the same but this year has brought me to a lot of questions I may not have asked.  She is a bright and magical child, and I can’t wait for the day that I don’t have an ex-wife to deal with.  And I do believe it takes one amazing, stand-up woman to accept the role of a dedicated step-mom.

Which brings me to the next big thing.  The Ex-Wife. (dun dun duuuun). We have the same name. joy. I used to always say, when I was a kid, that I wanted to change my name when I was an adult. After this past year, I’ve never wanted to do it more and I even looked up the process and had plans to change my name.  When my mom cried about it and said, “she wouldn’t have anything connecting me to her” (I reminded her of the 9 months I spent inside her belly, but I guess that doesn’t count anymore), I decided I couldn’t do that to my mom.  I’m not ruling it out for the future though, the way in the future future. 

SO- I have always known Micheal was married.  The night we met, I knew all about it.  I did my best to take a neutral, mature stance on it.  Hey, my dad was married before he married my mom, I have always known about the potential of dealing with that in my own life.  This is one of those, “only happens to other people” things.  I knew the potential was there but was it only until waaay later that I realized (after a lot of curse words), “WHY did it have to happen to me??”  I still currently ask myself, “Why this is such a hard concept to swallow?”  I’m sure she has her own totally different story.  The child is a big part of it in ways that I’m not sure I can explain in English.  I don’t believe the English language has the appropriate words to express the natural tug-of-war that goes on between 2 women that care for 1 child..especially 2 women who are emotionally invested in finding empowerment in the given situation they are, for lack of a better word, stuck in.  I also understand that she has been emotionally hurt, whether she realizes it or not.  Unfortunately, I believe she allows that to affect her daughters life.  Not in big ways but in ways that her daughter will understand when she’s older.  I just wish she would just get over herself, it would make everyones life a little easier, including her own.  In short, I really wish the situation didn’t exist. 

Dave.  OHHHH Micheals father.  I’ve never wanted to shake someone so hard until their eyeballs fall out..until I met him.  Except it really started even before we met.  I truly believe that Dave believes his son should have stayed married even if he was unhappy. Instead of communicating about it like the rest of the human race, he has decided to take it out on me. I haven’t figured out why he wouldn’t want his son to be happy, but that is his shit to process.  I’m sure if he read this, he would find a whole new set of things to hate me for when really, this is only my observation and my opinion.  I believe reacting to situations emotionally, is a scared person incapable of admiting fear.  To me, it sounds like a dangerous fuel to play with potential of major “burn.” (HA I laugh at my own little joke I just made).  We are muddling through the weird, awkward moments and I really…really…really, really hope 2012 will be much better! 

I have learned that I am really hard on myself.  I am my own worst critic. I do believe that I am making huge strides to take responsibility to follow my heart and be accountable for my actions.  I have also learned that I crave mystery and not drama, and there is a huge difference.  I ponder the world and truly hope the best for all people.  I am proud to say I have refused to compromise my integrity and 

2012 holds many new stories already.  I can guarantee you will read about my new business adventure and my continued goal to grasp and invite frugality, prosperity, and sustainability into my life.